Sorrow, sadness, loneliness consume
me. Nobody wants to know, they expect me to go on as if each day is better than
the next. They tell each other she’s
doing fine. We've all lost something, How lucky can I be, I've had love, kiss it goodbye and move
along.
After a lifetime of together, alone
is a test. First few months alone were hard to handle, but turns out alone is
better than bad company; who knew?
Love Changes Everything, the song by
Andrew Lloyd Webber says it all. How do I live without love? It feels as if I’m
withering and dying. I have like, but not enough love anymore. Love in my life
contributed to how I lived. Love gave me the zest to tackle all types of
problems, to support my causes. I had beliefs, which seemed to matter because
of love.
Adrift, my head barely above the
water I tread; what was that they said? I’m doing fine. If you want to get rid
of someone, just tell them how you really feel. Suddenly a pressing need to
leave will arrive. People get tired of listening. It really is an imposition. I was lucky; I always had Kirt to listen to my shit.
About a month ago I started
thinking about suicide again. I hated every
day of my life. About that time a friend who hadn't seen me in a while said, “You
look much calmer.” Surprise swept through me. I could feel it in my face. I
wondered what it looked like, but only nodded in acknowledgement of the
comment. I have felt calmer after deciding to end it, but it didn't last when
I thought of the consequences to my soul. Commitment to God and my soul
prevents me from doing it, killing myself, so having the urge upsets me.
So what then? A movie gives
momentary distraction. I can’t focus on my online classes. I always enjoyed getting
into thought provoking things. Now, thinking too hard gives me a headache which
can last for days. My answer was to join a gym, hired a trainer
to push me to do the exercises I don’t like, so I come home tired and sleep.
Going through the motions, doing
just what I must to get by, hating most minutes of my day is no way to live. The
dogs wag tails at the door waiting for good morning games that don’t come any
more. Bowls of kibble quickly dispensed don’t make for a happy start to their
day. Robert Redford paws at me to catch my attention. Lucky gives the big smile
as he sits waiting for love. The dogs are neglected, given minimum daily
requirement, no trips to the beach.
I am looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow, sweating, feeling
muscles tremble. And you thought I was just going to complain.
No comments:
Post a Comment