On Being Alone

Recently I've read things that say if you don’t like being alone, you don’t like yourself. If you don’t like yourself, you can’t really like others; blah, blah.

Alone is how I've spent most of the last year after being with my husband 24/7 for twenty-eight years. We were married for forty-five. I've had a difficult time with being alone; it’s an adjustment I didn't want to make. I loved being married to my husband. We were the old couple who didn't have to talk, just being together was the thing.

Was focusing on him a way of avoiding myself? I've wondered, so I began to treat myself special, being good to myself. I’m the only one I have to please, what a concept. In part it’s very nice and another part it feels too self-indulgent.

What I've learned is that I like myself, have for a long time. When you know that someone loves you as much as you love them, it’s easy to put them first. I’m lonely for a good reason. I signed on for a life with someone and it worked out. We were great together. I've lost that. I have a right to be lonely. That doesn't mean there’s something wrong with my relationship with me.

He Passed One Year Ago

     A year of mourning came in stages. The first six months tortured me with the greatest loss of my life; everything I ever did wrong during my marriage haunted me. A harsh look or loss of temper poked me in the middle of the night. Oh, how I wished I hadn’t done that. I was tired, lazy didn’t want to do the little things that would have meant so much to the man I miss so terribly.

     I lamented my mistakes. My darling, I am so sorry for all I didn’t do. My inadequacies plague me. It hurt so much to realize I’d never be with you again in this life. This loss grieved me beyond what I thought I could bear.

     The depth of who you are never came to me completely while you were alive. The beauty of you unfolded in a year of remembering. How being with you allowed me to become more fully the self I am supposed to be astonished me as I saw in retrospect. You had to be a strong man to put up with me all of those years. That you loved me as much as you did never failed to amaze me. I didn’t get why you loved me so much, but I’ve always been grateful.

     That your (Kirt’s) soul, spirit, or essence is intact became my overriding concern. I meditated on that until I realized it was a matter of faith that I must decide and give conviction to whatever belief I chose. In some moments my belief is firm, solid and then there are times…  

     If I believe that Kirt’s essence exists in a meaningful way then it’s my duty to live out my life with purpose. The law of karma guides my position on things. I may doubt most things given the chance to talk myself out of it; I may have been one of the early sophists, but I have a perfect acceptance of karma, which is not to say I have depth of understanding on anything.

     When I’m in harmony with my higher purpose, I’m in good spirit despite the troublesome items of life. This harmony eludes me since Kirt’s passing.

  

       

Your Best Days Are Over

Just what does the mean? Your best days are over.
After a certain age beauty fades, strength wains, and brains...
Tell me about it today; remind me about it tomorrow.
Decline inevitable. 

What a worker, an acknowledged success in my prime,
I strived hard, focused on the next challenge,
 but didn't savor the wins. 
What tomorrow brings never let up.

Talent and tenacity traded for success and respect.
Dashing, dating success.
Just settled back beginning to enjoy the flavor.

Next thing ya know only social security
Retired on a tropical island.
Best days are over; are you kidding?

Contentment with age and achievement
There's no rush. Challenges are my choice.
It may not be my best, but so what?