A year of mourning
came in stages. The first six months tortured me with the greatest loss of my
life; everything I ever did wrong during my marriage haunted me. A harsh look
or loss of temper poked me in the middle of the night. Oh, how I wished I hadn’t
done that. I was tired, lazy didn’t want to do the little things that would
have meant so much to the man I miss so terribly.
I lamented
my mistakes. My darling, I am so sorry for all I didn’t do. My inadequacies plague
me. It hurt so much to realize I’d never be with you again in this life. This
loss grieved me beyond what I thought I could bear.
The depth of
who you are never came to me completely while you were alive. The beauty of you
unfolded in a year of remembering. How being with you allowed me to become more
fully the self I am supposed to be astonished me as I saw in retrospect. You
had to be a strong man to put up with me all of those years. That you loved me
as much as you did never failed to amaze me. I didn’t get why you loved me so
much, but I’ve always been grateful.
That your (Kirt’s)
soul, spirit, or essence is intact became my overriding concern. I meditated on
that until I realized it was a matter of faith that I must decide and give
conviction to whatever belief I chose. In some moments my belief is firm, solid
and then there are times…
If I believe
that Kirt’s essence exists in a meaningful way then it’s my duty to live out my
life with purpose. The law of karma guides my position on things. I may doubt
most things given the chance to talk myself out of it; I may have been one of
the early sophists, but I have a
perfect acceptance of karma, which is not to say I have depth of understanding on
anything.
When I’m in
harmony with my higher purpose, I’m in good spirit despite the troublesome
items of life. This harmony eludes me since Kirt’s passing.
No comments:
Post a Comment