Homeward Bound

NOLA friends thank you one and all

I really had a ball

The festivals were grand

As was each and every band

Conversations over coffee au lait and beignet

Really brightened my day

Next year at the same time

I’ll be back in the second line

Till then love and hugs

On all your mugs

Mark It as a Learning Experience

The morning in question, there was no scene. I fixed you a cup of coffee and placed it on the table. As I was leaving, you finally woke up and I wished you a good day. I certainly wasn't angry. Maybe you had a nightmare.

I never chose not to talk to you. I merely stated that it was you who ran out, implying that I was there to talk and you did not seem to want to--also inviting you to do so. Another instance of your misunderstanding.

What you refer to as "verbal abuse," you started on many occasions. To me, it was just a game we played. My humor is often self deprecating, indicating that there is really no harm intended. And this is something that is not likely to change--despite your trying to remake me.

"The best poet in the state of Louisiana"--really? What I think about myself and what you think I think about myself are so far askew that it doesn't even make sense to comment on it.

Guess I must be a "bad boy" in your perception, and that was the implication--with lots and lots of annoying habits. "I’m not going to vent listing your short comings." 

I don't pretend to want to "make you over" at all, just want you to be aware of what you look like to others as you have often done for me. And I don't perceive that to be a bad thing. My diatribe was only designed to do that. Did you not see it that way?

Thank you for the good times.

He’s right, the morning I actually got my stuff out of his apartment, that Tuesday, there was no anger, I hoped to sleep until after he left, just in case there was a repeat of his outburst the morning before. When someone yells in your face, getting spittle on you, well, I felt threatened.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t engage in win loose games for fun. Verbal jousting is hurtful, I told him so, and that I didn’t like it. “That’s a challenge, like waving a red flag in front of a bull.” He danced in excitement. It was a clue I chose to ignore.

After weeks of listening to put downs I began to defend myself. I should have left then; that was a mistake. Self deprecating humor: at first I thought what self deprecating humor. Ready to deny that his humor was ever self deprecating, I then realized it must have been the wrinkled clothes he pulled from a pile on the floor coupled with the Brill Cream slicked hair which made him look like a jester; that was his self deprecating humor, hell, I almost missed it. I never understood why he did that. He’s right; my perception’s off. All the bragging coming out of someone’s mouth dressed like that was self deprecating. I guess he, too is smarter than he looks, which was his favorite thing to say about me.

It doesn’t even feel good to have the last laugh. It’s sad when people intentionally put themselves in combative postures with each other. I resonate best in a win-win, which isn’t possible with this man.

No, I wouldn’t dream of trying to change anyone; that’s not my way. I think distance is the solution. 

Thanks and Good Bye, the Sequel

.

The topic of What do I Make of This, his letter screamed for a reply. I didn't know what to say; finally, this is what I sent. I can  be such a sophist talking myself in and out of things. The warning of my Aunt Margaret in my head, "What's wrong with a man who's had three wives and can't stay with any of them. Women just want to nest." I wasn't nesting, I just needed a place to stay, which put me on his couch. 

I didn't not want to be friends with this guy. How bad did his behavior have to be to  push me away? I'm a mature, hetero sexual woman, alone for almost a year, endless hours of listening to " I did this, and I did that," told me how lonely I was for male company. I was attracted to him; God forgive me. 

My first almost relationship, since I'm a teenager fizzled, oh woe is me.

This my reply to close the gate on this puppy. 

I’m sure my perceptions are often incorrect; none the less they are MY perceptions. I decided to flee the morning you raised your voice to me and got in my face, shouting, “My opinion is the only one to count,” at first I thought you were kidding. I have no idea why you were so angry that morning, but I choose not to subject myself to that behavior, yes, I run.

I asked if you wanted to talk; you chose to not. More than two weeks later you send this diatribe about changing me for a better Patricia.

Thank you for everything good you did; there were many enjoyable times. The day we went to on errands and played name that tune and who sang it stands out in my mind a fine day. I believe I treated you to an oyster po boy; Short Stop makes the best po boys. It wasn’t all bad which made it sad to leave.

I am not angry. You characterize yourself as an evil, bad boy. Your goal was to get a rise out of me. I told you, you wouldn’t like the results. 

Respect for others means that you don’t try to remodel people. It’s not your job or right to make a better Patricia.

As I offered from the beginning, you are welcome to stay at my home in Puerto Rico; that was the swap. I did not sign on for verbal abuse. I asked you repeatedly to not do that. You said, “That was like waving a red flag in front of a bull.” Equally annoying was having you insist on me telling your friends that, “I’m the best poet in the State of Louisiana.”

I’m not going to vent listing your short comings. I’m just going to say, “Thanks for the kindness you showed. May God bless you and keep you.”

What do You Make of This?

On 4/29 I wrote Thanks and Good Bye to a man after the level of verbal abuse crossed a line, which frightened me. It was one aggressive verbal outburst. The daily verbal abuse masqueraded as jokes with me as the butt.

The day after I wrote Thanks and Good Bye, I sent him a text thanking him for all he had done for me and asking him if he wanted to meet to talk. I sincerely honor all that he did for me and didn't want to part on unfriendly terms.

On 4/29 He sent me this email:

Deeply sorry that I hurt you. Believe me when I say that was never my intent. Please keep positive, and if there is ever anything I can help you with let me know. You're welcome for the place to crash and for everything. A bit late for this, but I shall use kid gloves with your feelings in the future. Please forgive me for the oversight. Keep doing your things--the writing and observing of nature and her creatures. And learn more of the other things that you would do but don't do yet.

May God go with you and guide you,

My reply was: Got your email. Still friends. Hate to see us uncomfortable with each. Talk?

The email below came today. We haven’t talked. I don’t know what to think about this 5/16 communication.

You once asked me if we could talk though I doubted you were sincere when you mentioned this. But I have some thoughts about you that you probably should hear, and so this letter with its information follows:

I hope you take it in the loving way it is intended, yet I know you don't do well with people who analyze you or offer any kind of critique. Before you react to circumstances that upset you, you should take a deep breath and realize that folks are not all dead set against you, and it's not you against the world. Your perceptions on such matters are often incorrect. Despite the fact that you hold your insight in the highest regard, it is often “out there.” I can just hear you saying, “Well that's your thought on the subject.” Of course it is—just as your thoughts are yours, but you have expertise in some fields I would not pretend to challenge because you've been steeped in them so long and know what the standard fare is in those areas. You should afford the same respect to others. Does that mean the norm and general patterns are always right? Of course not, but they are how things are interpreted in this life at this moment, and they are generally accepted. Do your ideas hold more weight than others in fields you are endeavoring to learn? Hardly—regardless what you might think. Of course your opinions hold great value for you, but not necessarily for the general population—not in some areas.

By your own admission, you are a runner. Whenever a situation you don't like presents itself—you flee from it, even when there is no danger to you. Are your feelings fragile at this time in your life? Perhaps, but believe it or not, others have feelings too. A word of advice: You can't run from yourself. Wherever you go—there you are, stuck with yourself again. Oh well. That's a problem we all have, but many stay and face situations, seeing through the eyes of  with their flawed selves, coping with the what we like about ourselves as well as what we don't like. Are you perfect? You tell me. I hadn't thought so. All that is said to you and all you think is screened through your imperfect perceptions. Whoopee—we all have to deal with imperfections, even me.

I offered you a place to stay for no charge, helped you find a good vehicle, took time from my day to show you around and help you with your touring, helped with gas money, gave an assist with your storage, introduced you to people—all with no other purpose than to “hopefully” make a friend. I was taught by my mother that you can't buy friends, you have to be one. So I tried to be one and failed in your eyes. Nonetheless, if you find me offensive, I understand. You have some flaws in that regard as well, but I learned to cope with them. If you don't like me, well that's on you, and I can live with that. However, the WAY you left, like me or not, spoke volumes about who you are. I deserved better than you leaving with no explanation or note or call.... Though it was already established that you're a runner, I gave you credit for better than that.

Am I “mean” for writing you this note? Maybe in your mind, but that's not my intent, and don't think you know how I “mean” anything. For the most part, you don't have a clue. My taking the time to think this out, write it and send it should say something? You're always the one who is obsessed with “owning” things—own these facts about yourself and create a better Patricia.

As for this evil, bad boy, he expects nothing from you. And you've taught me just how much you would prefer not to know me. So goes it. Be well, and get over your hate—all of it. Just let it go.

Blessings,

What do I say to this?

Forty-Four Weeks of Enternity

Forty-four weeks ago you died

Relief from suffering you finally had

Forty-four weeks ago I cried

My Darling, I still can’t say, “Good bye”

Your husband is in glory they tell me

Or so they try

I want to believe their story

After our ups and downs, I’d like to meet you in glory.

For forty-four years ours was a love story

Life’s adventure, our great venture

Dosed daily with grind and grand

Life with you never bland

We hugged and kissed our way through it

Despite all your pain sweet kindness you gave

Lost in loneliness, I’m not brave

My purpose, why God left me behind

I don’t understand the design

You’re in glory and not pain, I’m glad

Learning to love and trust in the divine

I won’t be so sad

I love you, miss you and still wanna kiss you!