Mark It as a Learning Experience

The morning in question, there was no scene. I fixed you a cup of coffee and placed it on the table. As I was leaving, you finally woke up and I wished you a good day. I certainly wasn't angry. Maybe you had a nightmare.

I never chose not to talk to you. I merely stated that it was you who ran out, implying that I was there to talk and you did not seem to want to--also inviting you to do so. Another instance of your misunderstanding.

What you refer to as "verbal abuse," you started on many occasions. To me, it was just a game we played. My humor is often self deprecating, indicating that there is really no harm intended. And this is something that is not likely to change--despite your trying to remake me.

"The best poet in the state of Louisiana"--really? What I think about myself and what you think I think about myself are so far askew that it doesn't even make sense to comment on it.

Guess I must be a "bad boy" in your perception, and that was the implication--with lots and lots of annoying habits. "I’m not going to vent listing your short comings." 

I don't pretend to want to "make you over" at all, just want you to be aware of what you look like to others as you have often done for me. And I don't perceive that to be a bad thing. My diatribe was only designed to do that. Did you not see it that way?

Thank you for the good times.

He’s right, the morning I actually got my stuff out of his apartment, that Tuesday, there was no anger, I hoped to sleep until after he left, just in case there was a repeat of his outburst the morning before. When someone yells in your face, getting spittle on you, well, I felt threatened.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t engage in win loose games for fun. Verbal jousting is hurtful, I told him so, and that I didn’t like it. “That’s a challenge, like waving a red flag in front of a bull.” He danced in excitement. It was a clue I chose to ignore.

After weeks of listening to put downs I began to defend myself. I should have left then; that was a mistake. Self deprecating humor: at first I thought what self deprecating humor. Ready to deny that his humor was ever self deprecating, I then realized it must have been the wrinkled clothes he pulled from a pile on the floor coupled with the Brill Cream slicked hair which made him look like a jester; that was his self deprecating humor, hell, I almost missed it. I never understood why he did that. He’s right; my perception’s off. All the bragging coming out of someone’s mouth dressed like that was self deprecating. I guess he, too is smarter than he looks, which was his favorite thing to say about me.

It doesn’t even feel good to have the last laugh. It’s sad when people intentionally put themselves in combative postures with each other. I resonate best in a win-win, which isn’t possible with this man.

No, I wouldn’t dream of trying to change anyone; that’s not my way. I think distance is the solution.