Saturday, August 20, 2016

Senior Ladies' Night Out

A night at the casino with dinner and entertainment; doesn’t that sound grand? Some nights just don’t go according to plan.
The line to step in front of the clerk to collect the coveted dinner tickets snaked past the slot machines; standing three or four across, loyal gamblers waited, while we hurried to the end.  
A reward night for the big spenders sounded intriguing; I hava never been. A hundred foot line waiting for their reward dinner stalled where the air conditioned air didn’t go. Mayhem and I took turns standing in the line that only went twenty feet in an hour and ten minutes, no shit!
In a casino one must people watch. Gamblers are a unique tribe with their own language, which Mayhem claimed fluency in, so I headed across the floor to explore. Gambling is not my thing.
This senior lady alone at the bar didn’t attract one bit of attention; the bartender stood at the end of the bar chatting with a couple of servers, while I sat on a stool near the center. When the girls enjoyed a hearty laugh, the bartender glanced over her shoulder; I caught her eye, smiled, and nodded. She turned back to her conversation with no indication that I would ever see her again; didn’t I just feel special?
Senior ladies don’t pout; I got off my well rounded behind and waddled right up to the three with their heads bent together in some secret tale. 
“Hola,” I waved, “Con permiso, dame un grande vaso de hielo, por favor.”
The seasoned bar keep barely contained the curl of her lip. “You want a glass of water!” Disdain dripped from her mouth. Maybe it’s that white privilege thing people are all talking about these days on Facebook, but I am not accustomed to being treated this badly by service people, who live on tips, and I’m a generous tipper.
“No, por favor, yo quiero un vaso de hielo con limon,” said with the head tilt to enforce attention. “Tambien una botella de San Pellegrino,” I added with a smile.
I hadn’t returned the bitchiness; all three girls exhaled. Smiles bloomed all around; one of the girls patted the chair next to her saying, “Join us.”
Was this deja vu in another language? How far had the line moved? Where was Mayhem? Low blood sugar makes me crabby; I needed to eat something.
A young woman behind the desk, that the line faced, said something into a loud speaker. I don’t know, but it didn’t sound like ya’ll come into the dining room now, so I thought I’d find Mayhem to see que pasa.
People rushed the desk; two buff young men in the uniform suit of the casino looked menacingly, as they barked at people, who were yelling back with eyes bulging.  I haven’t been in a riot since the seventies, so watching blood vessels pulse over tight white collars felt surreal. Enough of this, I wanted out, as did Mayhem; we kissed our freebie dinner good-bye.
Down the road at a little restaurant called, Cravings, I had breakfast, and then, to our mutual satisfaction, we went to Wal-Mart.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Just a Little Romance

A little flirtation will tingle the taste buds of any breathing adult human being; I am no exception, but where do you find an interesting man? Witty and charming at Sam’s Club is out of the question; don’t get me wrong in the long lines I will shoot the shit with anyone willing to speak. 
Less than twenty per cent of my time is spent with people and half of that is in the gym working out. The idea of a conversation with a man who might also find me interesting tantalizes.
To look into a man’s eyes again, to see the glimmer that says, I’m so happy you are here; that would make me absolutely giddy.  I have zero aspirations for a happily ever after event.
Listening to a man drone on about himself for hours was tedious when I was young and hadn’t heard anything yet. Forget that, when a guy is cool he should be with a woman he finds interesting. If he doesn’t ask you questions, he’s not really interested in you. I knew that, when I was young, but didn’t have much to say, so I listened. Now, I’m a mature woman with my own great stories.
A man, who cuts off my story, when it’s my turn to talk, is dead to me. No, it’s worse than that; I can be down right shitty.
On an island where there are seventeen women for every man, women are very competitive.  Once you get the hang of alone, it’s pretty cool; that’s me.
The sound of a man’s voice in the night makes so much feel all right. Hearing a man tell me about flowers in a tree he sat under at lunch or the way the light landed on a church’s stain glass windows makes my woman feelings flutter. That’s the romance I could possibly handle. Remember that zero aspirations for happily ever after; the talking on the phone stuff must come first.
Being a huge fan of the internet, I signed up on a senior dating service for mature people. A lover man was the first to respond; he NEEDED a good woman, honest and true. Poor fellow, it's an ad in to replace his late wife.
The next response sported the man’s picture, not of his face, but his ass with jockey shorts pulled between saggy cheeks, proving once again that older doesn’t really mean mature.  Don’t you just wonder what kind of woman would respond to a man showing her his ass as an introduction?
Bio’s for the men tell me many want a new wife, like the last one, or maybe not quite. When men are looking for forever, they’re not looking at the woman; they’re looking for an archetype. That’s way too impersonal for me.
Who wants forever? I don’t know if we’re going to be friends by the end coffee, let alone dinner. The guy, who wants the forever woman, does not want me; remember the movie, Stepford Wives? Ha-hhah!
Romance, the flirting, a man with real stories could curl my toes. That sounds like good fun.
The man who tells his whole history in the first letter or two makes me feel I’ve stepped into forced intimacy and in three more letters we’ll be married; how soon can you come?
Do you answer questions? A guy who tells you his story without regard to your questions uses form letters; I’d bet on it.

Romance for me, I doubt it; it was fun to think about, but no. There is so much beauty to be explored, so much to see and do; I’ll have no trouble sublimating. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Shades of Messed Up

Just start out screwed up and you’re fucked for life; there’s no denying it. In his last week of life my husband sat in his wheelchair by the bed where I laid reading; he raised his hand to stroke a hair out of my face. I ducked. With sadness etched in his face my darling said, “Your dad had you eighteen years; I’ve had you a lifetime and you still duck.” He rolled out of the room while inside I cried, come back, touch me again, I won’t duck.
When your shrink tells you that you’re normal, which mine did after years of therapy, what that means is you’re normally messed up for a person with your issues. I always thought everyone else had it together more than I did; now, I know we’re all shades of messed up.

Everybody has their poor baby story. If you tell yours, you’ll hear theirs’ in a tone that says, if you think your story was bad, listen to this. Empathy, no, its declaration is to get you to drop your pity party. In my life I’ve only met one person who has said, “Wow, I’m sorry about that; I had a great childhood.” I enjoyed hearing that.
A messed up childhood doesn’t mean you can’t have a great life. Lord knows when I get to the pearly gates, I’ll be saying thank you for all the cool things I got to do as an adult. The thing is that it’s kind of like healthy skin growing over an abscess. That’s the rub; it’s always there.
I find that at this juncture dealing with the loss of the love of my life requires me to realize that my parents were messed up people, who acted like messed up people. For me forgiving them has been a long process. I yearn to forgive and forget; why won’t that just come?
Myopia, that’s short sightedness; I could be the poster child. It was only yesterday that I had the monumental duh moment of realizing that my particular screwed up was because I suffer from PTSD from all the beatings. I’m familiar with PTSD as it relates to others. It never occurred to me; that’s funny.
My crescendo years I wish to be filled with love, beauty, and abundance of life. I will not be fucked for life. 


Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Introspection is a Bitch

Throughout my life I’ve been a hard worker, taking charge of my life’s direction. It’s never been easy, but the satisfaction of getting things going the way I wanted was enormous.
It appears that I’ve lost all of that along with everything else. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me; hell, I don’t want to feel sorry for me. I’m doing my very best to make it better, but right now my best sucks. I’m still so f’ing depressed and want to cry when I’m not being entertained or actively occupied.
If I had huge responsibilities or had to work, there would be no time to boo-hoo, but that’s a backward step, better to deal with my feelings, so I can be present in my life when I’m not entertained. My, I feel better already.
Yeah, what happened to my joy when gardening; that’s completely gone. Flowers slowly die; plants cry. Nothing receives adequate attention. What did my father call it? Giving it a lick and a promise; that was it. That’s so not me.
Being the weird child I was, I decided that self discipline would stop or slow the beatings, so my life became an exercise. My grades went up, I could stand, staring at the picture of Jesus captioned will you pray with me for the required hour. With puberty that went to hell in a hand basket, but I digress. 
Growth spurts take place in times of stress; we all know that, but don’t like it. Grrr.
People say they’ll never have another dog after losing a beloved pet member of the family because it hurt so much; I say I’ll never have another husband for the same reason. Who believes that?
Time to go to the gym to release endorphin, but the DMV hasn’t sent my renewal application for city sticker and its due, so I have stand in line to get the application, so I can have the car tested, and then stand in live to pay for the sticker. How fun!