Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Shades of Messed Up

Just start out screwed up and you’re fucked for life; there’s no denying it. In his last week of life my husband sat in his wheelchair by the bed where I laid reading; he raised his hand to stroke a hair out of my face. I ducked. With sadness etched in his face my darling said, “Your dad had you eighteen years; I’ve had you a lifetime and you still duck.” He rolled out of the room while inside I cried, come back, touch me again, I won’t duck.
When your shrink tells you that you’re normal, which mine did after years of therapy, what that means is you’re normally messed up for a person with your issues. I always thought everyone else had it together more than I did; now, I know we’re all shades of messed up.

Everybody has their poor baby story. If you tell yours, you’ll hear theirs’ in a tone that says, if you think your story was bad, listen to this. Empathy, no, its declaration is to get you to drop your pity party. In my life I’ve only met one person who has said, “Wow, I’m sorry about that; I had a great childhood.” I enjoyed hearing that.
A messed up childhood doesn’t mean you can’t have a great life. Lord knows when I get to the pearly gates, I’ll be saying thank you for all the cool things I got to do as an adult. The thing is that it’s kind of like healthy skin growing over an abscess. That’s the rub; it’s always there.
I find that at this juncture dealing with the loss of the love of my life requires me to realize that my parents were messed up people, who acted like messed up people. For me forgiving them has been a long process. I yearn to forgive and forget; why won’t that just come?
Myopia, that’s short sightedness; I could be the poster child. It was only yesterday that I had the monumental duh moment of realizing that my particular screwed up was because I suffer from PTSD from all the beatings. I’m familiar with PTSD as it relates to others. It never occurred to me; that’s funny.
My crescendo years I wish to be filled with love, beauty, and abundance of life. I will not be fucked for life. 

  

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