Mourning can become a way of
life. When I picture myself as sad and lonely, the dark energy grows. How can I
not remain focused on my loss, when the loss of my husband was the loss of the
greatest gift of my life?
I’ve lost the best of
everything in my life: my husband, my best friend from childhood, my best
mother, my godmother. That doesn’t even include what I lost in the “great”
recession. How do you come back from all that loss not a looser?
Loss felt like
my spirit was being drained away, as my husband lost body parts to diabetes. I
mended parts where my energy leaked on the hospital floor. My heart stopped
when my darling looked where his leg was no longer. I watched his
face as he internalized his loss. Being part of we, I felt his pain deeply.
Through it all, I never thought about losing him. I only thought
about how we would handle the next problem. We were focused on his recovery. He
exercised for the first time in years, so he could get ready for his new leg.
Hell, I was getting him signed up for stem cell research to re-grow blood vessels
in his legs.
The day he died I gave him
mouth to mouth resuscitation, but it was as if every move I made to save him
was being countered by God. The scream in my soul reverberated for well over a
year. To say that every day in that time frame was torture does not exaggerate.
The question is will
mourning become my way of life; or will I find my core wellbeing?
My niece, Rachel, put it on
the line when she said, “It’s time for you to start a new chapter; start a new book.”
Before I can really heal
this soul scream needs to stop.
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