Gads, I just read my first two posts on this blog. That sounded pitiful; nothing could be further from the truth. I have made a great life for myself.
During the rebellion years, I did believe that it would have been better for all if I had been aborted. That was back in the days when I placed more importance on how other people felt about me, than my own feelings.
Coercive ways of raising kids teaches them to limit their behavior. Don't do anything, so you don't screw up and get beat. It twists how you see the world and worse your own feelings. Who knows what they are other than angry? I always preferred that to scared, so I never recognized how scared I was.
Do you ever wonder why you made some of the choices you've made? So many of the choices I've made at the time, they seemed wild and out there. Now, I realize most of my choices were because it made me feel safe.
Heavens knows I always thought I had my own drummer. The dark, drab colors I wore weren't a statement. They were to blend in; to not be noticed. Hey, I got my wish there.
After a few years of therapy my shrink told me I was officially normal. Still being a young smart ass my reply was, "What, normally f---ed up." She being the perfect therapist for me said, "Yes, that's about right."
What a true moment that was. Since then I've found a better balance in my life, but it's at a lower functioning level.
Where the devil is my owner's manual? My life is too much like, if all else fails read the directions.
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