Bye Bye, Brother, Bye Bye

Two years after the best in my life left, I’m discarding the negative. To jerk the umbilicus out of my gut caused me pain until the small sigh of relief.

The other love of my life my baby brother, so handsome and charming when you wanted to be, but more often moody and impossible to please. This one excelled in zingers designed to hurt; undermining my self-confidence or embarrassing me puffed you up with bonus points.

Hurting me you did for sport. Why? Kirt thought you just never out grew childhood behavior. Kirt made me see that giving it right back didn’t make me feel better. The whole time I was with that man, all we ever did was to try to help you. Loving you as I did prevented me from hurling the zingers back, seeing you screw your life up, while ridiculing me pushed Kirt to the point of anger. My lovely man, who did so much for you. And, stupid, he didn’t do it because you were so great; he did it because he loved me.

Kirt and I were active, upstanding, respected members of the community. When we took you out to dinner in the local diner, did you think talking loudly about your sordid experiences in prison demeaned us? Did ordering my employees around, telling them to get me right away or get you a cup of coffee, make them think less of us?

You’d come to our celebrations to act mean and angry; verbally abusing your son at one party until one of my guests wanted to take you out back to have a good talk on behavior.

Kirt knew that I wanted to hear what was happening with my brother, but would be out of sorts for days after you came to visit, so he’d visit with you for hours, while you told your tale of current woe for hours. And you had no clue when he’d had it with you, and told you off.

Yes, brother Bill, you were a pain in his ass. He always thought you were a spoiled brat, but he lived under my dictum: love me, love my family.

Mom sent you to live with us, when we first got married. Before you arrived, we were having sex all over the house. Do you think he was jumping through hoops happy to see you every night?

We were so proud when you did the one bit of self-improvement in your life with that truck driving course you took. We knew how many experienced truckers were out of work at the time, but you did something in a positive direction.

Kirt used all of his influence in the company, a union shop with no lay-offs, when your only driving experience was hauling horseshit from the track to the mushroom farm. He vouched for you; and how did you repay Kirt?

When a truck driver puts a tractor and a trailer together, it’s the driver’s responsibility, yours! The company had the coupling tested who was at fault came up in the resulting lawsuits.  Come on, how f’ing stupid are you?

Brother Bill came to our house to tell Kirt how he was going to burn down the shop where they worked, when Brother Bill was fired for the carelessness that caused that accident. Kirt loved hearing how you planned to torch his place of employment, as you raged.

With as much pleasure as you too in trying to embarrass me in later years, you’ll get a charge out of the years of company Christmas parties, when the guys would line up to dance with me, so they could tell how terrific Kirt was and what an asshole my brother was. All the stories they told of how you could watch a man bust his balls without lifting a finger to help.

My favorite part of these stories were how good my honey was. I listened to them and thanked them for sharing. Lastly I reminded them that I picked my husband, not my brother.

I assume it was the last time you were arrested, the time shortly before we left for Puerto Rico, he rode with you from our home in Yorkville to western Iowa, where you had to go to court. He listened to you whine all the way out there, as he sat in sheer agony. The judge saw my husband’s pain. Lucky for you he thought he was your father and gave you leniency.

Do you know how much money we ante-ed up for lawyers and bail for you? It never occurred to you to pay it back or say thanks.  

And believe it or not, we had other things we could have done with the thousands that went to your defense.

The one time he ever called on you for anything; you wouldn’t do it.

“Call your sister; she’s upset. I can’t get her to calm down; talk to her.”

You laughingly told him to tell me to get another house and refused. I’ll bet you were surprised when he came unglued after a lifetime of tolerating you.

Yes, Brother Bill, you were a pain in his ass. And just to inform you that you showing your ass to people I knew only made you look bad.  

In the two years he’s been gone you haven’t had the decency to call me or send a card saying, sorry for your loss.

Goodbye, Bill, so long. I love the baby brother you were; the man you’ve become, well, I’d rather not bother.