Why?

The door slams, my eyes widen; the door wasn’t locked, was it? Why didn’t I put the door stop down as usual?  The handle doesn’t move, I’m locked out of the house. No food, no phone, no water, okay, what do I do now?

After greeting Lola, Lucky and Robert Redford, this morning I grabbed a cup of coffee and my laptop to start the day. One cup of joe later, it’s time to have another and some breakfast, when a gust of wind hurtled down the valley to wreak havoc on my day.

Was this divine intervention, Kirt’s spirit messing with me or just happenstance of nature? Regardless, I’m waiting to be rescued by friends, my wonderful friends.

As I sit on the porch overlooking God’s lush creation, my blood sugar is dropping with sweaty fingers and, of course, a big headache. The blue sky littered with sooty white clouds seems a metaphor for my life, thanks to my true blue husband. We were good for each other. He was good for me. We made the best out of every situation, our learning experiences.

They say to be happy we must release the past and live in the present. Is my stomach growling, I haven’t heard that in an age. Most of the good things that have happened to me happened during our lives together. I pray for grace.

Marcie just emailed that help is on the way. A smile of gratitude sweeps my face; nothing like problems to keep you focused in the moment. Is that the lesson? Maybe not, I woke up early happy to be visiting a school with my friend Alma and her puppies. Other than being sore from my workout, I was having a good day in the present. Instructions from the universe are a definite FIFINO to me. I’ll think about it some more.

ALONE

Alone, just me, all by myself sounds small, feels lonely.

The breeze rustles through a wall of green.

Dogs pant in the afternoon heat.

         “Holding on to the past, cause of Depression,”

The headline read.

Every yesterday for a long time, I heard the words.

“I love you!” And got kissed.

Today thunder rumbles down the valley, as

Sun pierces the air. The clouds are coming.

No kisses.

A motorcycle backfires down the road,

Run, run, run, run, run it screams.

Without you who am I?

A Celebration of Life

Forty-fifth wedding anniversary, wish you could have been here to have your little ha-ha’s with your friends, to toast and kiss, I miss your kisses. I miss you most of all, my love.

To celebrate, our friend Gloria, and my new friend Marcie took me out to lunch, a movie, and dessert. The shrimp were fresh and tender. The Family, a dark comedy, entertained to perfection, and then I had dark chocolate….

I told the girls they treated me to a movie and dessert more than you would have. We had a little ceremony with a gift; they promised to celebrate with me, the awesome women in my life will share this anniversary with you.

It wasn’t the same without you, but I have love and friends, so God has blessed me. All I can say is “Thank you, God, for giving me the best friends.”

And “Thanks for almost forty-five years with my guy.”

Happy Anniversary, Honey, I Miss You

What I want the most, I can’t have; other than possibly by dying. Well, there’s a leap of faith for you. By all that is holy, it’s forbidden. Thank you, God, for laying down the rules so clearly. I’m not afraid to die, but I sure as hell, don’t want to right now. The last forty-five years have taught me how to love and be happy. Thank you, Kirt, happy anniversary, Honey. I love you beyond measure.

God, YOU gave me someone I treasure; thank you very much. Our three way relationship was a great gift. So why did you take him away now? I talk to YOU every day, well, maybe, not every day; living takes up so much of each day. I’m so sorry; have I told YOU what a stupid shit YOU have in me?  I thought we talked frequently; it’s so difficult to distinguish what I want from what YOU want. I think I’m doing YOUR will and then YOU take away the one who gave me love and confidence.

Nothing gets attention like pain; YOU have my attention; could YOU just speak a little more clearly without so much pain. I have enough faith that I believe my darling Kirt, beautiful spirit energy evolved from YOU is basking in your beautiful love, and thank YOU for sharing my husband with me.

I’m scared, could really use some strength and grace now,PLEASE,  and THANKS for sure.

My Husband

Nine weeks ago today my Darling died

Empty space in his place

Again this day I cried

I revere my creator

I love my life

Tears spring from my eyes

I realize, my Honey

All I really wanna be

Is your wife

What About Me

My Que Sera is supposed to be about me, but I don’t know where to begin about me. I’d rather tell a cat’s tale or speak about the dogs. But it’s time for introspection in my life.


Once we’re past our legends, who we want to be, a stark look at who I am is vastly different than I thought it would be. Unlike the legends of folklore or urban lore, I am not as talented. There is no brilliant heroine in my house, just me plain and simple.

In younger days we are the star of our own play. Today I feel like the audience. That’s not a complaint, I enjoy the show. Gotta love humanity, we’re a quirky lot.

It Was My Life

So much energy and time almost thirty years I’ve worked my business; lived my dream. It’s been hard; it’s been happy. I’ve been blessed, so I shouldn’t cry.



One day I was close to finalizing an agreement to extend a mortgage; rate and payments agreed, only term left. It was close. I thought I had a chance to make it through the recession.


The light shined through the proverbial tunnel. Hang out with friends, human and canine. Party nights playing with the dogs were the fun ways I thought I could get back on my feet.


Two major surgeries and a car accident took me away from my business the three years before the economy hit the crapper. So many times I’ve wanted to just give up. When you hurt, everything you do is an extra effort. I worked through it.


You know how you get ideas or plans; you think about it and become disenchanted. Every once in a while comes a plan that the more you think about, the more excited you get. This was the perfect plan; what fun it would be.


Oh, well let go; accept the new reality. Que cera, we all have our faith tested.