Alone

Alone, that’s a scary word. Alone for a while each day is good, time to reflect, organize thoughts, a few minutes here or there are all I’ve gotten in a long time. I valued my moments of solitude, but suddenly to be living alone and missing my best buddy. What a whammy, I’ll tell you.

First I had to come to grips with Kirt never coming back. After twenty-four weeks, I go it; he’s not coming back. Sucks, but I can finally feel the surrender called acceptance creeping over me.  I’m sad, but not the screaming pain I’ve lived with for months.

Going from the out of my mind stage to just profoundly sad feels like a change, however, ya never know when something will trigger a back slide day, so you could say I am cautiously optimistic.

Being alone with a heart screaming for your spouse, well, it was just the most miserable time in my life, bar none. Okay, I’ve accepted he’s not coming back, but I still don’t like being alone so much.

As I exit the fear stage, my courage returns to ask the hard question. Why don’t you like being alone? I just don’t, didn’t satisfy me. The real answer is I have no experience with living alone.

This can be cured by getting a roommate, but the last thing I need is a stranger’s life intruding on mine, so that’s not an option, besides I hate feeling lonely when other people are around; it seems so dysfunctional. I have the last few months whenever I was in the company of others to make my point. My husband not only got me, but he adored me, I’m so spoiled. I’m also so hard to get along with that I argue with myself.

Before I do any quick fixes to get myself in a peccadillo, I think I’ll ponder alone, maybe find out why I don’t like the idea or the experience. I’ll get back to you on that.

If you’d like to share in the comment section, I’d love to know how you’re feeling. There are so many widows and widowers out there going through the same pain. Sharing helps validate what we feel to a world that doesn’t necessarily get it.