I Have No Sense

I want to scream and cry again, but I don’t, so my stomach twitches, telling me how upset I am, when I just want some tranquility in my life; we were tranquil. We were happy, and now that’s gone.

Just when I think about something positive, an email from U.S. Department of Veterans jerks me back to thinking about my loss. Kirt died, but I've begun to think of this as my loss; not his, mine, my times with him, my pleasure with his company. How self indulgent I've permitted myself to be, yet when I think of how happy Kirt’s eyes would be to see the first rays of dawn, it saddens me more deeply. I can’t go there. There’s no point, God said that it’s not going to happen.

How can I make sense of this? How can I process my husband’s loss, so I can live a meaningful life? It’s not just about losing Kirt; it’s the dog, my friend and everything else going wrong that’s forcing me to stand alone or get help.

Saying good bye to Kirt is saying good bye to the best in my life. People tell me, “You have to hold on to the best memories,” yeah, okay, I’ll make a note to do that; problem is memory co-creator, my best friend is gone, no more memories.  I should be grateful for anyone taking the time to say something, but I’m not. A sympathetic smile and nod, a hug would be appreciated. My husband hugged me all the time. I miss hugs like a drunk misses Scotch.  

Why do people feel a need to tell me the obvious; I’m grieving not lobotomized. “You need to get on with your life” is my personal favorite. “How would you suggest I do that,” my reply usually gets a strange, how the hell would I know look on their faces. I swear one day I’m going to laugh. Not too often someone will give me suggestions like go on a cruise, which might be nice.

For a person wishing to be a positive light a venal irony is that all my little bitches about how people don’t do this right or I’m not happy with that are what in part brings me to my present. Shit, that sucks.

I’m tired, not my usual energy, missed Zumba a few times. I have a banana tree to plant, let me go do something constructive for once.