Without a compass to guide me, each
day I forge on doing whatever seems right but nothing feels right. My organization vanished with my husband. A few feeble attempts at list making is
nothing. When I try too hard to focus, my body reacts with jitters or if I’m
really lucky, a headache.
Advice I’m getting from a majority
of my sources completely conflicts with what I think I should be doing. I
respect my advice givers, so my resolve falters.
My belief tells me that my husband
completed his life’s journey, but I haven’t; God has me here for a purpose.
Being in harmony with your purpose is a state of grace, so I really want to do my
whatever, my purpose. I’m guessing that since God took away my best friend, my
moral support, I’m supposed to do this whatever, alone. This means many things
including that I need to be strong or have a strong sense of self. It’s so easy
to hide behind your husband and think you’re strong.
When I’m ready, I should look for a
guy, so many of my friends say. My eyes crossed when I heard elsewhere essentially,
that I didn't have time to waste. I should run right down to the guy market and
get myself one. After a lifetime of meshing with one great guy, it’s bloody
unlikely that I’ll ever connect quite so comfortably with another. The last
thing I want is some strange guy’s opinion affecting my life in any way.
Who does she think she is? Who am I without a guy? Who am I, just me? Without my guy..
Going back to New Orleans where as
a child I wished for my life, dreamed of who I would be; maybe that’s where I’ll find me.
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