Too Hard to Say Goodbye

My current responsibility is to be here, lonely, miserable, to show up and learn, oh, to cry big buckets of tears. I’m doing swell on the lonely, miserable and crying buckets. My emotions are still off the charts. This was a loud crying morning, the kind I don’t want the neighbors hearing. I've gone to the window to see my neighbors standing compassionately at the bottom of my driveway, when the wailing's been too loud; funny, I felt sorry for their discomfort. I don’t want to be responsible for anything, but myself for a moment in time, my time in New Orleans.

In Puerto Rico I have the Sato Hill Gang and, of course, Smoki, the cat. I’m sad and tired; don’t know if I can be happy again, looking for contentment. I’m scaring the crap out of myself.

Life changes, okay, I don’t get a vote, no negotiating, just take what you get change. Can you guess I like to be in control? Well, then you know how out of my mind, out of control, scared I feel.

Do you suppose I should own how scared I am? Ha, ha, a sudden dawn of light; I’m scared. Be calm; maintain self control is always a goal. I do best when I have a goal, so which do I want calm or self control?

The last time I was alone I was a teenager. God knows, what an idiot I was. It’s like my whole adult life’s been wiped out, or died with Kirt,the best part of my life. I felt safe with him. Safety is a big issue for me.

Some of us come from woe is me families, some angry, some laughing their way through adversity; mine was an angry family. Kirt’s dad always had a joke or a story to tell me, plus he taught me about looking around to see what’s available and making the best of it. The thought of Kirt and his dad back together, wow, it’s good. They were good, positive energy in my life. I have gratitude, thanks so much. I’m better; thanks to you.

Anybody who thinks that past the five month mark this gets easier; forget about it. It’s not the raw pain of the first months in Widowland; OMG, when they handed me his ashes, I hoped that I would spontaneously combust in the parking lot so I wouldn't have to bring him home like this. I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe, just thinking about it.

Get busy, time heals, yeah, sure, but I have to say good bye to my wonderful guy. It’s too hard.