Weird Widow Blues

The Sabor/Flavor de Isabela outing went so well we weren’t ready to go home after visiting every booth, so I called a friend who lives in nearby Aguadilla. This is a guy my husband and I have known since our first visit in 2005.

This man and Kirt were tight buddies, the kind you get few of in a lifetime, so his pain and loss I feel with my own when I’m with him. It was unbearable to be near him. Call me weird, but sensing energy levels is something I’m fairly good at doing. My heart goes out to our friend, but I found it impossible to cope. My pain felt like it could kill me; not the bad day and you’re dead way Kirt went, slow decay.  

I have to let go of Kirt to be well and not attract darkness. When I hang on to Kirt the hardest, bad things happen in my life. I’ve had a ton of bad shit happen lately. Other widows tell me if I don’t get out meeting people and being socially active, I never will, that we shut ourselves off; it becomes a habit, and then woe is me.

Who knows how many other widows have a hard time being with their husband’s old buddies? For me this boulder got bigger as time went on, now would be a good time to see him and say hello or something.

This is so stupid, why I should feel so awkward with this friend, but then so much feels awkward or at least off center. Even if I sit in a room of strangers, in my mind it’s the wife of the late Mr. Carr, the widow Carr sitting there, so I’m not quite a raving loon, but….

The afternoon went well Marcy and he spoke very fast in Spanish, like they know if they talk fast I haven’t a clue. They were right. I don’t care, it’s a good day.

Seeing this man’s face, looking into his eyes, I see all the reasons I liked him in the first place. Why we liked him.

Don’t you just miss the sound of your husband’s voice? I wish I had a recording of Kirt’s voice, the voice I love above all others, sorry A.B.

To sit and talk with our friend, to hear a warm familiar male voice was nice, by a friendly fire nice.

Poco a poco, little by little my life looks like it’s coming together. Please, don’t let me be premature in saying that.

My wonderful women friends sustain me. The maternal energy of this island is amazing. And my friends elsewhere, who all happen to be women, thank you so much for your love and support.

God bless and guide us, show us some love as we strive to love you. Big SMILE, thank you.